Excuse me

Why do we hate excuses?

We have heard the phrase, “I will not tolerate any excuse…” all our lives, be it our teachers, your senior in the corporate world or perhaps your spouse. But why is it so frowned upon, why the disinclination towards an excuse. I wonder if you have ever thought about the phrase “Excuse me” deeply, have you? Today we look into it…

I remember when somebody used to forget completing their homework and as the reasons were coming out of their mouth the teacher would interrupt and tell the student to shut up and ‘stop making excuses’. It would always trouble me, so much so that even having a reason like being sick wouldn’t calm my brain against the forth coming rage of my teacher.

The literal meaning of excuse is ‘trying to justify’ or ‘seek to attach the blame’. But the thing that is fascinating to me is the fact that it’s the best defence of someone in authority to attach blame, justifying his/her lack in results (let say) to the higher authority. Let me elaborate…

Blame-game and excuses are somewhat synonyms, but we know that some blames are correct as well, or rather justifiable. Now, reason of a particular scenario is a blame-game as well, per-say. Why is it hot? It’s summer. Why don’t you know about Dostoyevsky? Because I’m in 2nd grade. These cases seem plain enough to recognise the sense of clarification/reason/blame/excuse towards a fault (that also depends to the perception of the other side). But where does all this fit into the narrative of excuses, as in excuses made to change/hide the reality. Believe it or not, hating excuses is to a high degree dependant on individuals and their temperament and or the stakes for a mistake. 

Let’s take an ordinary example of an argument between couples: They have planned a dinner tonight and the husband had already cleared his schedule for the day, but, something came up and he was called by his boss, the wife clearly understands the situation and just calmly asks him to return early, so that they can enjoy the night-out. The dinner is scheduled at 8pm and the guy is stuck in traffic at 7:30pm. He reaches home at 8:30pm and returns to an angry wife ready in her dress that she saved for this special occasion. She’s disappointed and he is tired and you know the rest, no dinner. The husband starts making excuses and she doesn’t like it, the mood goes off and they sleep with anger spiralling in their heads. 

Now obviously it could’ve been the other way around, but the point is that here the justification that the guy makes can be looked at as excuse and reason simultaneously. The reason why we hate excuses has more to do with predisposed perspective that excuse means he/she is lying and the human psychology than mere situation. Even when we say ‘excuse me’ we are implying to a reason that others trust us enough, for us to leave the group momentarily or not. The problem I have with situations in which the expectation is high and everything is propounded to be perfect is that when something bad happens, the mere act of calling him/her out for being an excuse-maker is that we nullify everything he/she may say in defence that actually is a reason than a blame point to hide their faults. 

All this reminds me of pygmalion effect, but anyway, what we need to remember is that being aware of our presuppositions towards minute things like excuses and stuff can go a long way in solving situations where even when one is to blame, all the time is used to recover and not to shame. 

Judgement

Don’t judge yourself; the judgement of others. #26

Let me start by saying that this one is going to be kind of a juxtaposition. We see a lot of posts surfacing around either telling us to not judge others or pitying and cautioning us from judging ourselves. Its a mess that is gold for anyone with a problem that they themselves created. Let me elaborate…

The idea of “God is the only judge” seems to me a bit stretched; it would be the best defence of a convict in a society where most people are religious. Well you might be soliloquising that God did create rules for us to be regulated by, well you would be right then. The same could be applied to judging yourself and judging others. If someone has a shady history, perhaps a burglary charge or a kidnapping case that is still in process (yeah I know, innocent until proven guilty), we still and I can guarantee you this, would not allow the person in our home or near our children. But why is that? Why the innocent until proven guilty thing doesn’t work in our minds i.e outside of the sphere, of ironically, judgement? It could well be related to our tendency to be negative than positive, the statement works well in sense of the court of law, but not human mind, or rather I should say, emotions. It actually reminds me of the movie “The State VS Jolly LLB 2” where Sachin Mathur (played by Annu Kapoor), makes the point that though the charges aren’t proved yet and the court is still in process, newspapers and media have already let out the popular statement of Suryaveer Singh (played by Kumud Mishra) and others being guilty. 

So why am I elaborating on the point of innocent until proven guilty? Well, because I have a question for you as well. Are you innocent? Now that’s a question pretty much relating to existentialism or perhaps too complex to comprehend and condense in a single blog, but the question remains in context. What are you being accused of? Or maybe the question is, is the prosecutor, that is your own conscience, right? See all I can do is give you a lantern in the cold hard wind, you have to find the path yourself, I want you to get into a frame of mind for the question of judgement and the following Breaking Bad clip is bloody brilliant for that, don’t worry, its spoiler free, I’m not that cruel. 

 

 

The law judges us, we can’t bully, rape, murder, take bribes, breach privacy, kidnap and all the other crimes without being prosecuted. Or can we? The laws may differ in degree and definitely the way its perceived in society but the crime remains. Its so crazy but just think how horrifying it would be if I just change the names of the said crimes assuming the acts are no longer crimes because they haven’t being comprehended as such. I don’t even want to name them, its just too much weight. The point is that its an axiom that at least the said acts are crimes and the person will be punished for acting in that way. 

Now think about the judgement you are putting on yourself, is it punishable by law? Yes? Then you have your answer. No? Well, now comes the hard part, perhaps its a judgement on why you scored 80/100 when you were supposed to have a full score. Every law that comes into place in based on how it might effect the common interest on human species; survival. Almost all the laws are based on that or can be tracked back to it. Now if you were going for a job that required minimum of 90/100 to apply, well then you won’t get a job paying you six figures, perhaps that soon. You can apply for that job next year, or go find another job for the time being but if an economic depression hits, you probably will suffer more than you would have if you had that six figure job. Now also keep in mind that economic depression doesn’t hit on a regular basis so you have to be wary of the judgement you put on yourself. Maybe be more optimistic about future, get a job and study at the same time. I’m presenting this example as a shadow blueprint as to how to judge yourself (hold yourself accountable) for the faults you make. 

Now what about the judgement others stamp on you? It depends if its either by law or by opinion. You know about the former one, but the latter is debatable, a little bit with them, but most of all with yourself. That’s where the idea of intent matters more than action comes in. Nope, it doesn’t mean you don’t act, but its handy when you screw up the action, the first two words are going to calm you and keep you level headed so that you know your judgement. Now if you have a problem of being too self-conscience and judgemental, here’s a simple trick to fix it; stop judging others, it works. Have a great day!

“Look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly.” – Bible

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Solitude. #25

Let’s make it crystal that there is a huge difference between voluntary solitude and loneliness. Solitude is the state of being together with oneself; by yourself. Where as loneliness is the state of being away in a sense of stricken connection with others. One is a symptom and or start of a depressive time and another a positive enlightening process. 

I have always been an advocate for solitude, though I caught myself drifting towards the loneliness side of it. We all are in connection all the time, social media connects, internet is a worldwide connection of ever roaming thoughts and ideas. But I feel in this era of apparent useful connection of people to this ginormous degree, we have lost ourselves. People feel ever so distant from their family and friends, those fishing trips and hikes with buddies have turned into a mountain photoshoot. And as it is a topic that could be related to a huge degree with loneliness, we have forgot the idea of solitude. 

Solitude isn’t just the state of being alone, its actually quite scary; you’ll be alone with your own thoughts. And believe me when I tell you that you can be scary to yourself. When people try to enter solitude. They forget the reason for it. It isn’t to gain magical powers of that in an instant you’ll be the “best you could be” kind of thing. Its long, its tiring, its scary. When that metal object in your pocket is away from you and you are in an unknown place with unfamiliar faces perhaps staring at you, that’s when you’ll truly know yourself. Now here’s the thing I find utterly ludicrous; people think that solitude and finding themselves; their inner selves is how they will know themselves. I know this sounds repetitive, but look at this; their presupposition is that their real self is good. Are you sure that your month long decluttering will manifest an angel to you? No! You never know. The proper idea of solitude is to not accept who you are, but to know who you are and make it better. I say “it” because it will feel different, you might cry realising how cruel you’ve been to yourself or to others, how you could’ve changed your life five years ago, all the suppressed guilt, regret, sadness, everything will be open to be attacked by your now-self to make it go away because it just might be that dreadful. Its only when you’ve cleared yourself of the fog and the translucency of what you are that you might connect with the people that are important to you, the best. Its only when you have left being an imposter and are real that the real ones around you will come in your life, things will declutter for you… 

All this might seem like a statement for not being in a state of solitude, but it isn’t. But why would anyone want to be in such a state? Why this gnarly being would you look at? Well its a simple answer… you wanna be the human you desire to be? That’s what you gotta do, you’ll never that human unless you change your inner-self, its on you my friend, its your choice. Go and slay the dragon. 

“I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.” – Henry David Thoreau

Hate

Who hates? #24

Hates means to dislike someone or something intensely and that emphasis isn’t gratuitous. We are all relatively an amalgam of constant variation of emotions as we move forward in life. We hate going to school when we are kids and as we learn the consequences of not attending one and or the benefits of acing one, we drive towards it, especially overtime, if you’ve grown well. But still I see the hundreds of trolls lurking in their bed-sheets with Cheetos dust swamping their phone screens and they grin before even posting their comments. Its interesting how the term “troll” has grown out from folklore ugly giants or dwarfs to a person posting offensive things online. The theme remains…

I wondered why we hate, was it innate or constructed, required or should be eradicated, these troubled me. It is innate though, we hate snakes and spiders instinctively or perhaps, fear them and many other things. I won’t go into the psychology behind hate but rather keep things in context to online trolling. 

I actually caught myself commenting hatefully at a photography account on Instagram, the person had edited the photo a bit much but I just couldn’t hold in the urge to point it out in public and make a joke out of it. I wrote the comment and with the first reply I got, my heart started beating faster for some reason. I knew I was about to get destroyed, all I saw was a creeping laughing face emoji after some dots (“…”). I didn’t dare to even read the reply and quickly deleted the comment. Well, that was a scare, nobody wants to get destroyed online. I put my phone away and paused, I actually seldom comment, and a hateful one is something I never thought I would do. I suddenly recalled a video from Gary Vaynerchuk, in which he stated that he had empathy for the people who write hateful comments. He added, “Why would someone read what you wrote, analyze a pick things out, and then think and write burning mental energy just to give out hate?” I wondered on it and it occurred to me; its when we aren’t happy we hate seeing people happy, its when you screwed up on tests that you envy the topper, its when you can’t edit photos when you bash a photographer for it. I reflected on my day and everything was in “order”. I had put off the alarm in the morning and overslept, was an hour late for class, got scolded for it and then laughed at by the entire class when I mispronounced “fratricide” for “farticide”! I had forgot the notes the teacher had asked of me the day before, so all in all, nothing was going well for me. All that negativity I stuck at an Instagram account. 

And I think really that’s why you find people who support everyone being calm and the ones criticizing everything in chaos. Now obviously constructive criticism is required by everyone and if someone can’t that, that’s their problem. Let me know what you think about this blog, if you may. But also, how you give the criticism matters, I always either DM, email or talk in private about the matter. So what comes out all this? I’d actually want you to think about a time when you had a great urge to talk sh*t about someone, troll online, or point out things that would make someone embarrassed in public. How were you that day, how was your daily routine, the breakfast, the talk with your family, the boss’s call, look what might have caused it. When you find yourself in that aura, its actually a harbinger at what it going wrong with you and you can immediately fix it and be better. And yeah, have empathy for those who hate. Peace.

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” – Martin Luther King Jr. 

Place has hope

The place still has hope. #18

I used to avoid news, nothing of importance existed outside my sphere of interests. But it all ended in 2017 when thousands were burned, raped, mutilated alive, brutally murdered in Myanmar, the Rohingya massacre, the genocide that my even ignorant self couldn’t ignore. Not that I didn’t know of the genocides in other parts of the world, or the cruelty some face, but this was the end of my hope for the world. “We’re doomed.” That’s what came to me the moment I realized that I had been sleeping on a cushioned bed, walking in cool breeze, and having my own room while someone was begging for mercy. And you know, for the most part of human history, people didn’t get their own room, either you’d have to be a royal or a great scholar to have one. I wouldn’t call myself that of a happy camper in the world couple of years ago, but neither was I chased by men to kill me nor was I fearing a bomb landing on my head. I read more and more, more of what was going on, it landed as guilt on my heart, that I was so oblivious to these facts. I recently came to know about the “Rape of the nanking”. I guess most of us have lost hope for the world and are just waiting for it to doom. The crime rates are high, kids are dying because of malnutrition, obesity epidemic and what not. 

No. We still have hope. Just last night I learnt the fact that the crime rates are actually lower than before, but its the reporting of the crimes that makes it seem that crime rates are higher. Well obviously there are countries where the crime rates are definitely higher than before. But my point here is that as we have moved forward in technology, the spread of news is vast, until the internet boom, most of us wouldn’t even know what was happening in the other side of the world. The constant expansion of negativity is oblivious to the fact that the poor are getting richer at higher rates than ever before. Its just that it seems as if nothing is happening because we aren’t presented, so to say, the positive. There were five or four yearly famines decades ago. Children mortality rates were high. People weren’t going to schools, a simple bone fracture would make you handicapped for life. People have lived through incredibly tough times, you could say, we are living in the golden era of human history. The rape victims weren’t reporting their horror, the fear was gnarly, molestation cases were almost always suppressed. People didn’t file an FIR in every possible case. The constant bombardment of horror and negative side of us humans is the problem. I’m not advocating for “optimism” but rather realism. You need to see the both sides of the damn coin. Negative is important, that’s were we have to improve but not knowing the positive side ceases the existence of motivation, because it seems as if nothing good comes out of the efforts that have been made. 

CHECK THESE IMAGES

 

 

We have been flourishing for a while know. That’s to be considered. The pages posting garbage like, “We don’t deserve to live”(showing a photo of animal violence), “Humans don’t deserve Earth” (Photos of deforestation). All that is the most ridiculous way of thinking. Animal violence was always there, its just that you an me didn’t know that some guy in Europe was beating his poor dog since a year. The guy should be jailed, yes, but what about the hundreds of dog shelters in existence? Why isn’t that spread as much. There is a psychological reason behind it as well, we humans tend to look at the negative more, the laceration is more important than your new sofa, that’s how we’ve come this far. Yes, there are new problems emerging, such as cyber crime. But to create an axiom, that is a silhouette of all whats bad with us, creates a world lost of hope and a hundred percent ready to doom. There are problems to be solved, now that we have the ability to know the famine a thousand mile apart, we need to care, its our duty. Don’t lose hope, world is a better place than before and its time that you, if you want, have an impact. How to do that? I wrote a whole blog on that: Read

(source of the images)


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